Internal Monologue Whilst Shoveling Snow During the Blizzard of 2015

Scene: 12:45pm, Feb. 4, 2015 – driving snow; car is completely covered in snow, despite being parked in carport. Snowplow guy has already made initial run, resulting in predictable wall o’ snow between carport and rest of driveway

Me: Go do 15 minutes of shoveling. Just 15 minutes. You can handle that. You can handle anything for 15 minutes

I: Oh alright.

Scene: outside, wearing parka, knit gloves, hair pulled back to keep driving wind from lashing it into face

I: Oh, it’s cold!

Me: Shoulda worn a hat.

:begin cleaning off car:

I: Why do we need to do this now? This is pointless! We’re not going anywhere, and it’s still driving snow!

Me: Well… we need to be prepared for emergencies. We might need to leave on short notice.

I: Why would we need to do such a thing?

Me: I don’t know. Let’s say we run out of alcohol?

I: We won’t run out of alcohol. We planned ahead.

Me: But say we drink everything we have, and still want MORE?

I: OK, that scenario is not beyond the realm of possibility. However, if we were to drink everything we have, and then go buy more, and drink that too, we’d feel like shit tomorrow. Also, unhealthy.

Liver: Listen to I!!

Me: OK…. what if we run out of junk food?

I: We will not run out of junk food. Again, we planned ahead. Also, we went to CostCo a week ago. We have a huge bag of dark-chocolate covered almonds. We even have a huge box of entirely NON-paleo Tate’s chocolate-chip cookies.

Me: OK, how about this? What if something happens to Ezme? What if she gets hurt and we need to take her to the animal hospital?

I: That is a valid scenario. But what would happen to Ezme? She’s never been hurt before, other than that time where she got underfoot while we were feeding her and we stomped on her paw.

:observe moment of silence for extreme guilt:
Me: I don’t know. What if she’s upstairs, and jumps up on the railing, and misjudges, and falls to the hardwood floor below?

I: OMG OMG OMG

Me: Would you relax?! It’s just a hypothetical!

I: Don’t scare me like that.

Me: Freak.

I: OK fine, we will clear off the car, and do a bit of shoveling.

:finish clearing off car. Proceed to shoveling:

I: It’s cold! I’m getting ice pellets in my ear.

Me: Shoulda worn a hat.

:continue shovelling:

I: My fingers are hurting!!

Me: Yeah. We should have worn ski gloves.

I: Has it been 15 minutes yet?

Me: It’s been 12 minutes. Keep shoveling.

…..

I: My fingers hurt!! Is it lunchtime yet?

Me: Yeah, it’s lunchtime. Good job, I! Let’s go inside. And remember to put on a hat and ski gloves for second shift.

I: SECOND SHIFT?????

THE END

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