Paleo Crockpot Almond Butter Chicken

In today’s episode of ‘Sandy in the Kitchen’, we attempt… Paleo Crockpot Almond Butter Chicken. Mmmmm!

First thing we have to do is double the recipe, cuz the ancient package of mass production frozen chicken parts we took out of the freezer last night weighs more than twice what the recipe calls for. Also, still mostly frozen. No problemo! We let it sit on the kitchen counter for 30 minutes (protip: salmonella adds seasoning) until we can tear off that annoying rectangular sanitary napkin thingie melted into bottom of chicken. Then we shove it into the crockpit. It fits (barely)!

Next, flavoring! We slop almond butter (which resembles baby poo at this point, but will undoubtedly melt into something oh-so-extraordinaire!) over frozen chicken.

Discover pulled asshole move and left essentially empty bottle of cumin in spice rack (editor’s note: can one pull an asshole move when one lives alone and is therefore only screwing oneself in this situation? I vote YES! no edit required) Do quick web search for spice substitutes. Recommended substitute for cumin is… chili powder. Really? Well, OK, the internet would never lie to us. Have just enough chili powder left to make up for lack of cumin.

Put in more than double the amount of garlic, cuz, you know… GARLIC.

Lime juice. Ah, lime juice. Still have that accursed lime shaped plastic bottle with broken cap that has required the Macgyver maneuver on two previous cooking ventures. Lose patience with screwdriver, stab lime bottle with knife until juice starts shooting out of hole. Get as much out of bottle as can, then chuck the rest in rage.

Soy sauce (well, tamari): check. Exactly enough left in bottle. The cooking gods are with us!

Final ingredient is chicken broth. Discover that memory was mistaken in thinking there’s a container of organic chicken broth in fridge. No problemo! Have chicken bouillon in spice rack! Grab container, and notice that recommended use by date is… Aug. 2010. In the spirit of TWDKMMMS, boldly proceed to checking ingredient list. It reads, and I quote: Sugar, Potassium Chloride, Onion Powder, Maltodextrin, MSG, Gelatin, Dextroxe, CHICKEN FAT. Oh thank goodness, for a second there I was afraid I’d simply bought a jar of yellow-tinted SUGAR POISON. Live too far from grocery store to back down from 4+ pounds of rapidly defrosting poop-covered Tyson chicken, so proceed with “chicken bouillon”.

Dinner will be served at 9:00PM. Seating is limited; reservations strongly recommended. There may be wine, purely for medicinal purposes, to help destroy bacteria.

Addendum: this tastes like ass. Don’t make it.

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