Reuters, 9 minutes ago
Manchester, NH: Next year’s Nobel Prize for Medicine has been awarded to a team of New Hampshire researchers for their discovery of causal linkage between the domestic housecat (Felis catus) and scoliosis. The team performed painstaking research over a number of years to document its findings.
“While we have long suspected the link was there, we knew the scientific community would never accept our thesis without thorough documentation of our research methodology” said lead researcher S. Jones in a press conference. “Now I don’t want to bore you with the technical details, but the basic pattern of our findings can be summarized as follows:
1) Unwitting human brings home adorable 8-oz kitten.
2) After nightfall, human attempts to retire to usual resting place and discovers that kitten is happily curled up on pillow, purring loudly. Human accommodates kitten by stretching out in crooked fashion, featuring spinal curvature.
3) Repeat step 2 two hundred times. Adorable 8-oz kitten morphs into 10-lb cantankerous heat-seeking missile with no concept of the words “sharing” or “personal space”. Pillow, and entire bed upon which it rests, has now been claimed as within the boundaries of the predatory territory of Felis catus. After nightfall, cat will recline on top of researcher, or stretch out adjacent to her, firmly attached in leechlike fashion, and prevent normal sleep patterns of rolling over at periodic intervals. Researcher will adopt trademark sleep pattern of body pointing in odd direction as in relation to head (see diagram A), as any attempt to nudge cat aside is met with resistance.
4) Repeat step 2 thousands of times.
5) Diagnosis of scoliosis is assured.”
In lieu of the traditional diploma and medal awarded in Stockholm, the research team requests that a financial contribution be made to defray the costs of chiropractors’ bills and catnip.